Chit-chat with a Kit-Kat

Me: 'Fancy a chat?'

Myself: 'Why, yes! I would, indeed!'

I: 'Well, get your beer and Kit-Kats out! We have much to discuss about little.'

There are times in my life when my natural sentimentality and predisposition to nostalgia get in the way of me making quick and accurate decisions. I don't think that it keeps me in the wrong place for too long, but I do think that it makes things harder to deal with.

There are times when I know what I want to do, but I will not do it, for fear of hurting others. This makes making decisions much harder, but I will still choose what is best for me, as I am all that I have in the end.

I would much rather live my life around my loved ones, and have the freedom to go anywhere I want, at any time I choose. It's time I go home!

I have mixed feelings about it; I am really excited, happy, and relieved, but I am also very sad and upset about leaving Jodi behind with our puppy, Cujo. But I have no choice. I am not happy here; I'm restless and anxious, and I can't deal with the constant, high stress-level. I need to have my own space and freedom to move around. Otherwise, I will be miserable, making happiness impossible. I can't stay here forever, anyway. I will eventually have to move to Seattle, if I want to get a band up and running, that has half a chance to make it!

I know it will be hard to leave! The emotional potency of it will overwhelm me for a time, but I'm sure I'll settle down, given a few weeks at home.

I'm excited to see my friends, and I'm excited to see my family again. By the time I land in Ireland, eleven months will have passed. I came to America to own guns, take up shooting, start a band and tour America, and live on ten acres of wooded land, where I could have peace and quiet, but still have a city near by. None of this happened! Instead, I became the bill-payer. I lost my life-savings, and now I return to Ireland broke, but with more wisdom and clarity than I had before. I have changed much, and I am looking forward to developing my writing skill, and finishing my novel, so I can try to get published. It's time for me to become my own man.

Verbal Diarrhea

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, manifestations of the one mind, holographic representations of consciousness. Strap yourselves in for another ride on the crazy train; it's probably gonna get bumpy around here.
I've been thinking a lot about destiny. In my life at least, destiny seems to play a massive role. I am taken to places where something happens to force me to re-evaluate myself, and work on the problems I have. I end up growing and finding something I needed but was previously missing in my life. I am brought to people who change me by introducing me to things, places or other people that broaden my horizons and expand my conscious realm. It's freaky how it happens, it's as if a higher part of myself interacts with the outside Universe, in order to pull sequences of events into my life that lead to growth in a specific area of my life that needs it. I marvel at it, the consistency of it! But when I try to explain this to others outside of myself, they don't seem to get it, and call it 'cause and effect' -- no, people! It's not cause and effect, it's consciousness of the future. We are timeless beings, quantum-entangled with our future and past selves. We are bigger than one moment, but our bodies can only experience one moment at a time, because we are in the consciously-constructed, waveform universe. It's being proven by quantum physics, people. Spirituality and science are coming back together, like it was in ancient times.

Did you know that your brain actually sends data back in time to itself? Look into it, it'll blow your mind!

Why am I writing this Blog? Well, i guess I don't have an answer for you, or myself, other than the fact that I feel like it does me good to talk things through to myself -- and anyone who accidentally stumbles across these blogs.
Sharing ideas -- and even talking complete shit -- broadens our minds, even it is merely to form an argument to disagree. We both learn.

I'm so fucking bored here in Pomeroy, and I'm counting the days until I get home. I miss the freedom of movement that I had back in Dublin. I don't have it here. I wish I had been living in Seattle, but then I never would have been isolated like I have been, and I never would have purified myself. By being in complete isolation for 7 months (10 by the time I head home) I have re-evaluated my life in so many ways, and I have grown in ways that I didn't think possible. Gone are the constant drunken nights, gone are the bad habits and desperate struggles in music. I have freed myself from expectation, and now all I long for is freedom. I miss my freedom. I can't wait to be able to go around to cafes and write for hours, then disappear into a quiet pub, with a crackling fire, and write for a few more hours, with a pint and a dream. It sure sounds like the life to me. I really miss my St. Anne's park walk. It always served to refresh my mind when I became weary. I have nothing like that here. I am pretty isolated where I am, housebound all day, looking out and wishing I could walk, but knowing that the town is small, yet full of people, so I wouldn't have the peace and anonymity that I had when walking the St. Anne's route.

I miss my friends and family. It's hard not having people in your life, when you know you could, if you'd just return home. But I chased the American dream, and ended up with more of a nightmare. I will not miss the stress or drama of my life here. I will not miss the loneliness or lack of movement. I will be happy to be back on my own budget, watching what I spend and not worrying about being broke.

This American experience has shown me how lucky I am to have the people that I have in my life; it has shown me how wrong I was to want to escape the easy way. I should have done it myself, on my own. I came here for the opportunity to spread my art and maybe make something happen for myself, because it will never happen in Dublin. But when I got here, it became clear that none of those dreams could happen while being attached to the situation that I am attached to right now. I need to be my own man, and that's a tough decision to make for me. But it has been made. I have to return home and re-collect myself.
The best thing to come out of this experience is that I have grown-up a lot. I have learned how freeing and important independence is -- I have an actual frame of reference. I have become, or rather, I have embraced, the notion of myself as a writer, where previously, I looked on it as lame or boring. Each time I write, I get better. The more that I learn, the better able I am to write my thoughts down more concisely and accurately, leaving out none of the expression.

Anyway, I have written enough. I need to save some fuel for my Novel, that I have to work on again today. So, this is me signing out! But remember to remember that you are a spiritual being having a physical experience, and not a physical being having a spiritual experience.
Be excellent to each other, Bitches!

K

Reaching Out

Hello, and welcome to my blog space. I am nothing special; I am as stupid and lazy as the rest of you. I like to preach, but I don’t like to follow. I like to complain, but I don’t like to take action. Why is this, I wonder?
I am not particularly gifted, although, like you, I think I am. There are a million mes out there; trying desperately to make sense to the right people. But it’s all utterly in vain! Nothing matters other than your own relationship with yourself. I do not intend to share these blogs with anyone; unless you stumble upon them on your own endeavors, you will never know these exist, nor should you! But in my usual form, I will most likely change my mind in the future, bribed by my ego to reach out for much desired attention. These blogs are as meaningless as ninety percent of the content of the worldwide web. From the bad grammar and punctuation, to the bad spelling and rambling, incoherent thoughts, it’s all merely an attempt by me to talk to myself – my consciousness needs to bypass my ego. I need to see the truth! My ego only knows what’s happened, only draws from my past experiences, whereas, consciousness knows what is to come. It’s a feeling deep inside, in the core of my being, that tells me where I need to be. It shows me the truth, even when I’m running from it, or surrounding myself with distractions that support my denial. You are right! You are the one who knows best.
I have been away from home for seven months now. It seems a lot shorter. I am shocked by how quickly I have been forgotten, how quickly people have moved on. I am hurt by the fact that people I thought were close friends simply stopped replying to me – if they ever even replied to me at all. It’s like I ceased to exist the instant I left Ireland. It showed me who my real, honest-to-God friends are, and I don’t have as many as I thought. Maybe it was just ego, but I was hurt.
Inspired by my lack of impact on the people that I knew best, I have decided to compile a list of fragmented thoughts, bundle them into meaningless and chaotic Blogs, and force them down the throat of the internet with the rest of the utterly useless and pointless attempts at real contact. Why isn’t SETI looking for intelligent life on this planet?! You never know, they may find a handful worth talking to(I do not include myself among those).
Well, there you go! That’s my first blog on this new site. I hope I have the strength of character to keep this to myself; keep it as my own online diary of shame and momentarily idealistic musings. Please, let me keep this to myself! Let me keep one secret.